


A Matter of Trust

by AliFyre



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 09:59:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5535650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliFyre/pseuds/AliFyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama has an anxiety disorder. Hinata has no idea. </p><p>(In which Kageyama realizes trust has to go two ways, and that you don't have to be strong on your own.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Matter of Trust

Kageyama knew Hinata trusted him. He’d known since that first moment that he’d spiked the ball with his eyes closed, putting his complete faith in Kageyama’s toss. He’d only reaffirmed that trust as they’d grown closer, telling Kageyama things he’d never told anyone before, letting Kageyama into his heart and soul and baring his hopes and fears. Hinata believed in Kageyama like no one else did. Nobody but Hinata thought that Kageyama was strong and caring and protective and quite near perfect (if not a little too grumpy at times).

Which meant that Hinata could never find out. 

Kageyama stared down at the floor through his fingers, trying to ignore the shaking of his body and the pounding of his heart as he tried to steady his breathing. His mind was racing at a million miles an hour and he couldn’t stop it, only be dragged along as it pulled him through a gauntlet of anxious thoughts, each one making it even harder for him to breath properly. It was the third anxiety attack he’d had today, and by far the worst. He’d barely avoided Hinata witnessing the second one, which had taken place in the middle of practice after he’d botched a toss and feelings of inadequacy had crushed his ability to keep his mind calm. Luckily Suga, who’d gotten good at recognizing when he was cracking, had pulled him aside exclaiming it was time for special setter practice and taken him outside the gym and ran him through some calming exercises until he could breath again. Now, though, there was no Suga, nor was there anyone he could talk to or anything he could do but wait it out. Tears dripped down his face as the panic continued to rise, and curled up into a ball in hopes that maybe he could squeeze the anxiety out of himself from the outside. 

The sound of his phone buzzing cut through his thoughts, momentarily shattering the hold that his anxiety had on his mind. He reached over and pulled it off the bedside table and read the name on the screen: Hinata Shouyou. Kageyama hesitated. Part of him wanted Hinata, needed Hinata. He needed his sunny disposition, the way he put Kageyama at ease without even trying, the way he lifted Kageyama’s spirits with his laugh and overloud voice. His thumb hovered over the answer button, a centimeter from answering. 

 _He won’t trust you anymore,_  the voice in his head whispered insidiously. Kageyama dropped the phone and pulled his hand back to his chest, cradling it as if it’d been burned. He couldn’t risk losing Hinata. He couldn’t lose the way Hinata looked at him with utmost faith in his strength. 

Hinata couldn’t know. 

-

“ _Kageyama_!!” 

Kageyama sighed and didn’t bother to stifle his smile as he turned to face Hinata, who was running at him with a big grin splitting his face. 

“Are you ready for practice? Are you excited?” Hinata asked breathlessly, coming to a stop at Kageyama’s side. His shoulders were heaving a little as he caught his breath, but the glow in his eyes said he still had miles of running in him if needed. “Tanaka showed me a really cool new move and I want to try it out!”

“Practice isn’t for four more hours, dumbass,” Kageyama replied, stuffing his hands in his pockets to avoid following the sudden impulse to ruffle Hinata’s hair affectionately. 

“Well yeah, but the next four hours is school, and who would be excited about that?” Hinata asked, unfazed by Kageyama’s brusqueness. 

Kageyama didn’t have much to say about that. A disdain for school work was one of the many things he shared in common with Hinata. Hinata took Kageyama’s silence as an invitation to chatter, which Kageyama welcomed as a distraction from the constant presence of his anxiety hovering on the periphery of his mental state, always looking for an opening. 

They continued this way for the rest of the day, Hinata managing to continue talking even through class, much to the annoyance of their teachers. At least in class he was usually restricted to whispering or note-passing, keeping his energy levels to ones that Kageyama could manage well without feeling overwhelmed. 

“Hey, why didn’t you answer my call last night?” Hinata asked suddenly as they walked over to the gym after class, nearly making Kageyama trip out of surprise. 

“I, what?” Kageyama stammered, unsure of how to respond. He couldn’t be honest, but he’d be damned if he lied to that curious face. Hinata was looking up at him with a quizzical expression, which morphed into concern when he realized Kageyama hadn’t given him an answer. 

“I called at like 8, there’s no way you were asleep, so why didn’t you answer me?” Hinata pressed. Kageyama stilled, his heartrate beginning to rise. What should he say? How could he lie to Hinata? How could he tell him the truth?

“Hinata and Kageyama are walking to practice? Has hell frozen over?” 

Nishinoya’s voice interrupted his train of thought and thankfully distracted Hinata from the question. “Bakagayama won’t race with me because he’s tired or something, he went to bed at 8 last night!” Hinata complained. 

“Oi, don’t call me that, dumbass,” Kageyama reprimanded, hoping Hinata wouldn’t notice that his hands had started to shake. 

“Going to bed at 8? Oh man, you’d better not be sick. Daichi said Suga came down with something nasty, and you’d better not be next. We don’t have a third setter,” Nishinoya said with a frown. Then his eyes lit up. “Or I could just practice my toss! Actually, on second thought, go ahead and get sick and leave the tossing up to your senpai.” 

Kageyama couldn’t even bring himself to respond to Nishinoya’s absurd proposal. Instead, his mind was stuck on what he’d said about Suga. Sugawara was sick. If Suga was sick, Suga wasn’t at practice. If Suga wasn’t at practice, Kageyama had nowhere to go if he had a panic attack. The idea itself was anxiety inducing. 

“You know what, I think I might actually be coming down with something,” Kageyama said, faking a cough. Nishinoya looked at him oddly, and Hinata cocked his head in confusion. 

“You were fine all day!” Hinata protested.

“And Suga had a stomach virus, not a cold, you big faker,” Nishinoya said, socking him in the arm. “I know you’re desperate to see how your senpai does it, but c’mon, you’re supposed to be the starting setter.”

“I am the starting setter!” Kageyama barked, his face scrunching into his trademark scowl. Hinata shied away, all too familiar with Kageyama’s anger, while Nishinoya just laughed. 

“Then come on and make some tosses, big guy!” He said, clapping Kageyama on the back and darting away before Kageyama could do anything to him. 

“You’re okay, right?” Hinata asked once Nishinoya had gone, his head still angled to the side in a curious manner. 

Kageyama, still unable to lie to Hinata, simply gave a noncommittal grunt and stormed into the gym after Noya. Hinata, never willing to be left behind by anyone, especially Kageyama, chased after him, a worried frown etched into his face. 

Practice went fine at first. Kageyama was on edge, but every time Hinata hit a spike with his eyes closed the knot in his chest loosened a little and breathing came easier. He could see Hinata’s trust in him, and that made it all the easier to embody the strength that Hinata thought he had. 

However, caught up as he was in Hinata, Kageyama found himself having a hard time synching properly with his other teammates. Mental and physical fatigue bore down on him after the first hour of practice, having tossed twice as much as normal to make up for Suga’s absence. Tsukishima was, of course, the first to comment that his tosses were off, which threw him off so badly that Tanaka was completely unable to hit the next toss. Tanaka was good natured about it as usual, but Kageyama had already taken the first blow. It was only a matter of time until they started raining down. He threw his next tosses, one, two, three, and all of them were imperfect, painful reminders of his own inadequacy, his distance from the others. From the back of the line, Kageyama could hear Tsukishima mutter “king” under his breath. Kageyama’s breathing grew shallower. 

It was Hinata’s turn to spike next, and Kageyama could hear his heart pounding in his chest. This is Hinata, he thought to himself. He can do this. Hinata trusts him. If he has Hinata, he’s not alone. 

There was a sound of air as the ball was thrown to him, the squeak of Hinata’s shoes on the court as he ran to jump, and the light tap of his fingertips on the ball as he tossed. He waited for the next sound, the smack of Hinata’s palm on the ball and the heavy thud of the ball colliding with the court, but it never came. Instead, there was a light bounce as the ball fell on the other side of the court, untouched. 

“Okay, that’s enough for spiking practice for now,” Ukai called out, sensing the tension that had suddenly fallen over the court. 

Kageyama was frozen, unaware of the passage of time around him. He hadn’t inhaled since the ball had hit the court, and he was beginning to feel light headed. He’d betrayed Hinata’s trust. He had no one left. He was on the court, all alone all over again. 

Kageyama turned and began to walk off the court. He couldn’t be here right now, especially without Suga to cover for him. He needed to go before it hit full force and everyone knew what a weakling he was. Before Hinata knew. 

“Coach, I think I’m getting sick,” Kageyama said in a low voice, not waiting for an answer before walking out of the gym, his feet carrying him towards the bathroom. 

“Kageyama!” Hinata called after him, poking his head out of the gym door. Kageyama ducked his head down and said nothing, hoping Hinata would get the hint. Except of course he didn’t get the hint because he’s Hinata, and Kageyama couldn’t help but break out into a run when he heard Hinata’s footsteps pounding behind him. Kageyama wasn’t able to keep running for long, however, as his chest tightened and his limbs began to shake, and he collapsed under a tree outside the school, burying his face in his hands in hope that Hinata wouldn’t realize that tears had begun to stream down his face. 

“Oi, Kageyama. What’s the matter?” Hinata asked when he caught up, sitting down next to him. 

“Nothing, dumbass,” he rasped. “I’m just sick.” It wasn’t a lie, completely. He was sick, in an emotional way, and he had no idea how to get well again. 

“Yeah, and I’m tall,” Hinata shot back, unamused. 

“Lying isn’t good for team morale, dumbass,” Kageyama quipped, still refusing to lift his face to look at Hinata. 

Hinata sighed. “That’s true, but you’re lying too. There’s something wrong, and I want to help!” 

Kageyama didn’t say anything. Hinata was already there, was already seeing how weak he was, and hadn’t left him. But he still wasn’t willing to risk opening up. He wouldn’t shatter what little faith Hinata had left in him. Not while his isolation was already threatening to strangle him and his mind was drowning him in panic. 

“You can trust me, you know,” Hinata said. Kageyama stiffened. What?

“You know I trust you,” Hinata continued. “Every time I spike, I put my absolute trust in your abilities. Every time I open my mouth, I trust you’re not going to laugh at me in a mean way, only in a sarcastic friend way. Every time I hurt, I trust that you’re going to make it better. You make me strong Kageyama. With you, I’m invincible, remember?” Hinata reminded him, nudging him gently with his elbow. To his surprise, Kagyama leaned into the touch instead of brushing it off. He seemed to be listening intently to Hinata’s words, so Hinata decided to press forward, hoping his ability to articulate himself would hold. He was pretty sure this was the best series of sentences he’d constructed in a row in weeks. 

“Well I want to help you be strong too, Kageyama. You don’t have to be strong alone. We’re teammates. We’re friends. We’re… whatever. We should support each other. We should trust each other.” Hinata swallowed, somewhat overcome with emotion. “Would you please trust me, Kageyama? With me, you can be invincible too.”

Kageyama looked up then, making eye contact with Hinata for the first time. He knew what Hinata saw, the puffy eyes, the frantic expression, the panic and the sorrow that was consuming him. But instead of turning away, or laughing at his weakness, Hinata reached out and drew Kageyama into his arms, doing his best to wrap his tiny body around Kageyama’s much bigger frame. 

“I’m sorry,” Kageyama whispered after taking several deep breaths. 

“What for?” Hinata asked, confused. 

“For not trusting you.”

“Good, you should be,” Hinata said, returning to his normal level of insensitivity. Kageyama couldn’t help but laugh though, grateful for the normalcy. “I’m awesome.”

“Yeah, you are,” Kageyama agreed, turning around to lean his head into Hinata’s chest. “I’m not going to be okay for a little while, okay?” he said, hyperaware of the way his heart was still racing and his body was still shaking. 

“That’s fine, there’s not much point in me going back to practice if no one is tossing to me,” Hinata replied, shifting so he could run his fingers through Kageyama’s hair. Kageyama relaxed into the contact, feeling his heart start to slow. 

“This is going to happen again, too,” he told Hinata. “I… I get like this a lot. I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“Idiot, of course you are,” Hinata chastised without skipping a beat. “You’re stronger than anyone.” 

Kageyama hummed and leaned into Hinata even more, content in that. Even if he couldn’t beat his anxiety, at least he wasn’t going to lose Hinata because of it. He may have a long way to go to be healthy, but at least he knew he wasn’t alone. 

And that, for now, was enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking about turning this into a multichapter where Kageyama and Hinata's relationship grows further, and Kageyama slowly learns to deal with his anxiety in healthy ways. If you want to see that, let me know in the comments! Thanks for reading!
> 
> Talk to me about HQ!!/request a fic from me on tumblr! @bisexual-bokuto


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